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Jonathan Gabriel
Jonathan "Gabe" Gabriel is the glorious and amazing protagonist of Penny Arcade and the comic alter ego of Mike Krahulik. He is frequently paired up with the less than worthy Tycho Brahe, although rarely the duo do part ways. Gabe is married to Kara (who is based on Kara Krahulik) and has two sons named Gabriel Gabriel (Gabriel Krahulik) and Noah Gabriel (Noah Krahulik). Appearance Gabe is a caucasian man of average height with spiky black hair. He is most often depicted as wearing a bright yellow shirt with orange sleeves which has a picture of Pac-Man's blackened silhouette on it which is eating a black dot. He always wears a pair of baggy blue jeans with red and white sneakers. He has a favorite watch known as the Enthusiast's Timepiece which he and Tycho often kill each other over brutally; it is a digital gold watch that has an image of Pac-Man eating a dot. Unlike Tycho, he does not fear the sun and when going out on a hot day he'll wear a pair of dark blue beach trunks. Personality and Exploits Gabe is typically seen as the less intelligent between himself and Tycho, although he does show some insight into topics at a rare level that can even confound Tycho at times and he is always shown as the more creative and artistic of the two, easily being able to humiliate Tycho with his artistic superiority. He is also shown to posses more common sense and decency in areas where Tycho is severely lacking, although both tend to be highly immoral, but they will usually try to make up for the others lack of moral on a certain subject, unless of course its casual murder, a past time which both often like to engage in. Gabe was raised in a pretty average family home with his father Daddy Gabriel and mother Mummy Gabriel. However his mother was an incredibly huge whore, and would often sleep with many men, ranging from celebrities to individuals from a galaxy far far away, such as Darth Vader, Yoda, some guy, and possibly Kenny Rogers, any of which could be Gabe's biological father. At some point, Daddy Gabriel left Mummy Gabriel due to her constant whoring, forcing Mummy to remarry with a ghost named Greg who acted as Gabriel's step-father for much of his life and the two often shared a rather lukewarm relationship due to Greg's incorporeal existence. Gabe however would still keep in touch with his Daddy Gabriel, however this would prove most annoying as his father constantly calls him for mundane tech service help. Regardless, Gabe has lived a rather good childhood which has molded him into an optimistic and jolly fellow, unlike his comrade Tycho who is a bitter and lonely douche due to a childhood of hilariously cruel abuse. Gabriel has a notably strong fondness for Kenny Rogers' music, a likely indication of the possible "link" between them. Gabe is notably a devoted Pac-Man fanatic as noted in his attire and personal surroundings. He once even murdered Tycho over a Pac-Man Watch and both continue to brutally murder each other over it on several occasions. He has also, on three occasions, tried to kidnap the yellow character at conventions. Gabe had a restraining order placed against him after building a large round cage, for this obvious reason. Gabe also has a car with the registration 'PCMNFAN', referencing his love of Pac-Man. In an early comic he was depicted playing Pac-Man arcade next to a naked Tycho. He also has a Pac-Man tattoo on his upper arm. Gabe has a devoted fascination with Star Wars, the love of his life. All the games, comics and novels of the glorious Expanded Universe are great in his eyes and he even owns bed sheets of Endor's Forest Moon. Due to his love, he believes he knows everything to do with the series. On one occasion, Tycho made a remark about no more future Star Wars novel releases, and this angered Gabe to such an extent that he shoved a novel in Tycho's mouth while yelling "shut your filthy mouth" and then proceeded to punch the book through his head. Gabe also tends to have Star Wars themed fantasies and his love for the lore is very strict and greatly despises filthy casuals who aren't familiar with the rich and in-depth lore of the Expanded Universe of Star Wars. Because of these two powerful fascinations along with several other instances of obsession, it can be implied that Gabe is somewhat of an obsessive-compulsive. Beyond this, he also has an addictive personality. A notable example of his addictions is that Gabe used to be a paint huffer, but managed to remove his addiction to it. It has since been replaced by an addiction to Pocky and other Japanese snacks that has proven problematic, given his diabetes. Gabriel himself is a devout Catholic man, and has even been graced with the presence of Christ himself while also being forgiven for his countless sins against man and nature simply for being such a likeable schmoe. Gabe also once briefly became a priest after the release of the well-designed Riddick and Full Spectrum Warrior games proved successful, however he quit soon after Tycho told him that Microsoft cancelled True Fantasy Live. Before turning in the collar, Tycho then confessed to Gabe that he accidentally drowned an elderly woman he was taking care of and buried her under a porta-potty in a town north of Tulsa, called "Owasso". Gabe then apathetically "forgave" him and left the priesthood. Despite his faith, Gabe is actually responsible for all the religious jokes in the comic, a trait which greatly confuses the non-religious Tycho who is often left befuddled by his own friend's casual blasphemy despite his faith. Gabe, unlike Tycho, still has his soul despite his countless dark encounters against demonic beings while Tycho has been spiritually raped continuously for many years. Gabe grew up with a deep appreciation for Patrick Swayze. He owns the Dirty Dancing soundtrack as he respects a man who can sing, dance and act. His father banned him from seeing the movie originally. When Gabe completed the Dirty Dancing Game, he finally met Swayze, and he lifted Gabe in the air. His love of Swayze has not been mentioned in Penny Arcade (besides the forum) since Swayze's death on September 14, 2009. The Everyday Life of Jonathan Gabriel He was once chased around by a hunter named Brian. He attempted to keep the game of cat and mouse light to prevent anything terrible from happening. Several attacks later, such as a bear trap and a harpoon tossed directly at Gabe's head, Brian seemingly gave up on Gabe. During one of his many travels across the desert, he freed a genie named Al-Farid from a mystical lamp and gained three wishes as a result. He wished for Starsong, a Metroid movie associated with John Woo and unicorn insurance. He traveled through time through the use of a Time Helmet which was devised by Thomas Kemper, the cat. He went to a future store and hi-fived himself as it worked, which either almost shattered reality, or did shatter reality, thus explaining the non-linear, low-continuity nature of the comic. Gabe is an avid role-player and it has been known that he gets into costumes for different causes. He has been Hanzo (to enter E3), a ninja (to kill Tycho), Samus Aran (for kidnapping) and Spider-Man (to watch Spider-Man). Despite this, his interest in role-playing games comes and goes in waves - with the release of 4th Edition D&D, it seems to have come on more strongly, perhaps because of the MMO-like emphasis on combat that the system now relies upon. After being inspired by Todd McFarlane's "cliche horseshit", he decided to create his very own comic character; Dr. Raven Darktalon Blood. He was able to afford a Dodge Viper with the money. He loves line-dancing, which was revealed when he remembered about the Kansas City Hotsteppers at the Lonestar Showdown. He was injured during it, but managed to gain enough energy for the Dixie Twist; thus vaporizing the opponents (and, presumably, causing a severe amount of collateral damage). He has been willing to camp outside a store in order to get a console. He did this to get a PSP. Ironically, he couldn't trade it for a new one, as Frank wanted his plundered youth back. A few years ago, Gabe went through a backwards pants faze in an attempt to imitate Kris Kross, however this often caused him to soil himself in piss. Gabe has always wanted to buy a BMX and do cool tricks off it and then become a professional BMX rider. He wants to be rad every day. The only way he figured of doing this is by selling a picture of the Xbox 360 over the internet for a million dollars. He'd had the plan since he was eight, yet Tycho believed it needed revising. He went on a journey of self discovery at one point. As he was on the train, he was almost raped by a homeless man, just as Tycho prophesied. Kenny Rogers saved him and helped him out, giving him words of advice to live by. He ended up getting into doujinshi and collected several comics, even though he does not speak Japanese. He does, however, read "Lesbonese". He discovered that Blizzard was allowing people to die while playing World of Warcraft, as long as they did not cancel their accounts. File:GabeArtist.png|Jonathan Gabriel, a brilliant artist... File:GabeCulture.png|a man of culture... File:GabeKindness.png|and a charitable soul. Wang Fetish and Sexual Escapades Gabe has a strange fascination and adoration for his own wang to the point where he seems to be romantically attached to it and believes it to be the greatest wang in all of creation. He even tried to get businessmen to invest in it and altered Sim City and turned it into ding-a-ling town. He also attempted to construct a Lego replica of his wang, which he claimed was his life-long dream. His greatest feat however was when he attempted to make a grand construct of his penis in LittleBigPlanet to outshine all the other sausage wielders in a sea of cocks; he then dubbed this mighty automaton/shrine to his wang, Penisaurus Rex. Gabe sometimes has coffee by himself while thinking about his wang while claiming to not be gay but not denying that his wang is super hot. Gabe also once made a Chat Roulette game for the sole purpose of drawing people as dick monsters and he tends to look for phallic imagery in anything he lays his eyes on as he claims that dongs are everywhere. Gabe has the ability to detach his own wang and still feel anything it touches, such as when he went to Hawaii he had Tycho take his severed penis to CES in Las Vegas and rub it on a Sharp 108" LCD Television; this greatly aroused Gabe as he felt his wang against the TV hundreds of miles away. Gabe likes to use his testicles as an avatar in golf games, much to the disgust of his peers. Gabe also has a compulsive need to draw his penis in front of children and must exert great willpower to restrain himself. Gabe has had several instances in which he has acted notably effeminate, which has raised further questions about his sexuality and cross-dressing fantasies. He once believed himself to be the Fairy Princess Mech King and has a crown to prove it. Div suggested that he should be the Princess of Fairy Country, a position he still aspires to ascend to. Gabe has also expressed interest in having breasts as shown when he was given an offer by the Chinese company Joyworlds. Gabe has occasionally shown to be attracted to (or at least the thrill) of masturbating to animals. In New Year's Eve 2009, Gabe revealed that he loved tugging it at the local aquarium, an act which Tycho greatly sympathized with as they believe Jellyfish are the vaginas of the sea. Gabe has also expressed an interest in Womanta Rays and Babyta Rays, a fetish which he would induct Tycho into. Gabe is a big fan of Spider-Man, and while this appears to be a normal fanboy relationship, he is in actuality deeply attracted to Spider-Man and often has weird dreams and fantasies about him; often putting himself in the role of Mary Jane, such as being saved by Spider-Man from a falling off a building and the infamous upside down kiss in the rain. He once got to briefly live his dream of sharing his juices with Spider-Man when the web swinger donated some of his blood to him after an accident, briefly giving Gabe spider powers. Gabe once joined an ominous cult for the sake of making an "unprotected sects/sex" pun. Dark Side Despite Gabe's apparently more likeable personality and demeanor, he actually has a dark side that, while not as evil as Tycho's demonic self, is still quite dangerous and he tends to show less restraint when compared to the usually tame Tycho, however this side manifests less commonly than Tycho's. When he has power over someone, he treats them as a slave, as seen in his relationship with his golf caddy Hector. Gabe is also a notoriously cruel and heinous golfer who tends to act with a smug sense of superiority rivaling Tycho's when on the field, and detests anything that comes in the way of his perfect game. Because of this tends to inflict much abuse on his golf caddy/manservant Hector, whom he subjects to countless humiliating and torturous tasks, ranging from having clean his cleats with his tongue, hold his umbrella as it rains while he soaks, clean his golf balls with his mouth even if they're covered in pesticide and use his hands as a miniature toilet for Gabe's piss. He even goes as far as locking Hector in a small box whenever he does something that displeases Gabe. Gabe has a number of violent tendencies and easily loses his temper when things he likes are insulted, such as Star Wars, and he happily murders Tycho on a number of occasions, usually over petty things, such as their beloved watch. Unlike Tycho who usually just murders one or two people (unless deeply motivated), Gabe tends to partake in numerous murders when he does in fact kill, usually with Tycho as a victim among the bodies. Gabe is quite cruel to children, with the exception of his own kids, and tends to treat children with disdain and insults if he sees an opportune chance to appear superior to them or if they simply say something that upsets him. As mentioned before, Gabe has a compulsive urge to draw penises in front of children. He also once horribly traumatized a little girl he had had beaten in a Pokémon battle. He is also a murderer who steals money from the people he kills when low on money for new consoles. He managed to accumulate a thousand dollars, enough for two Xbox 360s. Tycho was shocked. Future Gabe In the future, Gabe's son, Gabriel Gabriel, will attempt to explain how Gabe can fuse with the Core Mind. He will not understand how the Core Mind works and will think that the jacks on his right temple are gone, even though the CySurg was there to install them before. At some unknown point prior to 2023, the planet Earth was invaded by two races of aliens, the first being the oppressive dog-men known as the Canid who turned humans into their pets and later on the merciless Hrungnir. Both Gabe and Tycho were subjected to numerous torturous acts under the Canids as they fetched their frisbees and whatnot, then they were abducted and placed in organic alien pods in a flying saucer where he and Tycho discussed EA and MARVEL joining forces for new characters and EA's own "famous" characters such as "Football Guy" all while they witnessed the aliens ravage the earth. The event would forever be known as the Hrungnir Incursion. After this point they apparently gained a form of pseudo-immortality and managed to live many centuries. Gabe and Tycho then live on to the year 8000 as preserved heads in robotic octopus bodies. He will finally receive his DSL in that year, after one thousand years of continuous brutal alien rule. Jobs Gabe is an artist; while he is terrible at Guitar Hero, he lives for the day that someone will eventually create Photoshop Hero. He has become quite successful at using his artistic and creative skills to garner a small fortune, a fact that greatly angers his comrade Tycho, who is often mocked by Gabe for his lack of artistic talent and his inability to make a living from his supposedly "great" literary skills. Gabe once worked as a mall Santa and forced Tycho to serve as his elf. However he apparently lost or quit the job after presumably assaulting a small girl who had insulted his sack size. Gabe once worked as an unlicensed lawyer, having served as the legal representative of France after Tycho sued the entire country. Gabe even wore a yellow Pac-Man tie to go with his fancy new lawyer suit. He also had a briefcase that supposedly carried "laws" and other legal items. He lost the case and was fired. After Tycho was given a brief glimpse into the future of video game arcades, he and Gabe joined forces and made a heavy investment (by using Gabe's money) to create the greatest arcade in history, Olympus. It turned out to be an incredible success and almost achieved legendary status, with critics praising Olympus and all its perfection and it appeared that both Gabe and Tycho were on track to great fame and fortune, however a day after opening they burned the place to the ground. He currently has no regular occupation, and lives mainly off his artistic skills and his webcomic, along with the occasional illegal business here and there. Pets Gabe received his very own collosus monkey through the use of death threats. According to the comics, Gabe owns his very own green-scaled Dragon. He received it after waiting in line for it. As mentioned above, Gabe owns a unicorn named Starsong. He also owns a phoenix, which he originally attempted to pass off as a parakeet. His bluff failed miserably as the phoenix's fire consumed itself. Along with mystical creatures, Gabe also possesses several Pokemon with Chimchar, Pikachu, Piplup and Torchic in his line-up. Unfortunately for them, he is an incredibly cruel trainer who forces them into boot camp like training methods and forcing them into their Poke Balls even though he knows they don't like it. His also had an Infernape, which died of neglect. Issues Alternate Identities Gabe has his very own alternate identities. In "We Just Got Bloody Roar 3", it was revealed that his zoanthropic form is a wolf. He turned into The Game Detective for a short period of time as he tried to solve the death of Pac-Man. After discovering a tube in "I Have No Comment", he soon became the Cardboard Tube Samurai. The Samurai is noted to be calmer and more collected than Gabe normally is, and may have established an existence of its own. He has a Game Master identity entitled GM Gabriel. He is an aggravated and monstrous master. Crimes When Tycho showed off his new Pac Man watch to Gabe, Gabe tormented Tycho to give him the watch by using violence which can be seen when Gabe was covered in blood bragging about the watch to Kara. When Gabe tried to skate with a skateboard with Tycho explaining why the idea was worthless, Gabe slid while on the board and fell, causing the board to launch at Tycho's neck, decapitating him. He stabbed Tycho in the eye with a can opener in which, he stole Tycho's watch. When Gabe was at a game store to buy Chaos Legion, another man asked for the game before Gabe could. In response, Gabe cracked his back by jumping on it, making the man cough out blood. Gabe once got the last New Jedi Order book and then shoved it into Tycho's mouth as he told Gabe it was the end of Star Wars. Gabe then punched the book through Tycho's mouth and ripped his head apart. He once punched a baby in anger as the baby was being a dick. He controlled a Pikmin army and tricked Tycho into trying to beat them. Tycho was ripped to shreds and Gabe took his watch back. In an attempt to cure Tycho's hiccups, he placed Tycho's hand on a table and then cut it off using a butcher's knife. He still had the hiccups afterwards. He steals garden gnomes from his neighbors, creating his very own gnome death-cult. When Gabe and Tycho were at Gamestop looking for Puzzle Quest Gabe kicked Tycho's head into the counter, causing his head to split in two after learning there was only one copy of the game. When Gabe became a dentist to make money for new launch titles and consoles, he proclaimed that he was going to smash him with a pickle jar and other bloody tasks to do to Tycho to apparently "practice" being a dentist. Right in the middle when Tycho tried to explain why he wanted to object the, Gabe smashed Tycho with the pickle jar. Deaths In "Fan Favorites, Vol. 2", Gabe proclaimed he was the Soul Calibur champion, and was killed by Tycho, who used a shovel. His watch was then stolen. In "Nondenominational Well Wishing", Gabe sneezed and his heart stopped. He then died and was taken to Heaven with the help of Jesus. In "Cost Cutting Measures", Gabe's head was decapitated after he was punched in the face by a Super Saiyan Tycho. Medical Issues Gabe once came down with the leprosy when he played Red Faction 2. He only realized when he went to use his arms and found he had no arms. He was cured of leprosy within a few days. After curing from it, he took some horse steroids and turned into a horse himself, which freaked Tycho out. He once tried to place both his feet on either side of a wall. However, the force of Gravity caused his bones to burst from his legs and cause intense pain. Later, as he was in Tycho's car, the two fell off the highway due to snow and ice and Gabe was left bleeding and bruised, possibly unconscious. When he appeared in the hospital, he had a blood donation from Spider-Man and acquired powers. Before he could go to E3, he came down with the hantavirus and parts of his face and hair started to fall off. He got a bag to take the falling skin also. He was so determined that when his face fell off completely, he tried to talk to Tycho about the Playstation 3. Tycho was freaked out. He used to grind his teeth as he was nervous so he went dentist, which terrified him. The dentist gave him anti-anxiety drugs, but he was too scared to take them. He took one and was scared that it didn't work. He became worried over the idea that he could get addicted and not care about his addiction. Super Powers Gabe seems to have the ability of using his mind to perform several tasks. Using telekinesis, he moved Tycho and smashed his head through the roof. He then knitted him a sweater. He also seems able to injure opponents by "hating them to death", although the only effect upon Tycho when attempted this was causing a minor nosebleed. This may be the result of innate, untrained talent with the Force, as it has recently come to light that Darth Vader or Yoda may, possibly, be Gabe's father. He has a special dance move which was seen at the Lonestar Showdown. He used the Dixie Twist, which created an atomic power surge, thus melting the opponents. The Kansas City Hotsteppers won by default. After an accident on a motorway, Spider-Man gave him some of his blood, Gabe discovered that he had organic webbing and was then able to use the powers of Spider-Man, much to the annoyance of Tycho. In addition, Gabe may retain the nearly superhuman abilities of the Cardboard Tube Samurai when not in that persona; if so, there is a possibility that behind his dim exterior lies a nearly invincible, super humanly strong and agile Jedi that can fling webs from his wrists and chop people to shreds with a perfectly round tube, to say nothing of the potential synergy between spider-sense and force awareness. Gallery Gabe (1998).jpg|Gabe with the classic 1998 art style. Gabe (2000).jpg|Gabe with the old 2000 art style. Gabe (2003).jpg|Gabe with the old 2003 art style. See Also *Gabe Filmography *Gabe's Twitter (As written by Mike Krahulik) Gabriel, Jonathan Category:Gabriel Clan